Don't Dwell In The Past

I am proud to say that I taught all of my four sons to drive when they turned sixteen, and each one of them passed their road test the first time around. My oldest son was praised by the pregnant woman who tested him in his road test for being situationally aware that prevented an accident when another car went speeding through a red light.

I, on the other hand, didn't learn to drive until after I was married and pregnant with my first son. My husband, Brian, was the one who taught me to drive. I took the road test six months after my son, Daniel, was born.  I waited that long because I wanted to be confident that I would pass. After all, Brian and I didn't have a lot of money to waste. I know now that no confidence in the world would have prepared me for the driver's test I would soon experience.

When the instructor entered my vehicle, I had Daniel in his car seat in the back. I didn't know it was against the rules to have a baby in the car with me on the road test. As soon as the instructor noticed, he became enraged. He looked at me and angrily demanded, "What is this?!" (He actually put the H-word in there.) I respectfully told the instructor that Daniel was my son and that he was a very good baby. I tried to ensure the instructor that Daniel would not be a disruption. The instructor ignored my comments and swore again. He authoritatively told me to remove the kid immediately. But before I was able to make a move to comply, he rudely asked, "How old are you anyways? Aren't you a little young to have a kid?"

I didn't respond. My age was on the form he was holding. As I was about to open the driver's door to get Daniel out and give him to my husband inside the building, the instructor said, "Leave him there! I don't have time for this! Let's go!"

So, I started the engine of my car, thinking, "This is a nightmare. I have a hotheaded and mentally unstable instructor beside me."

Despite my uneasiness, I drove the car with confidence because of how much I had practised. True to my word, Daniel never made a peep. When I finally parked my vehicle at the end of the test, I was relieved and excited, knowing within myself I had done well. However, the instructor didn't think so. He became enraged again. He told me that I was an idiotic driver because I looked more in my rearview and side mirrors than in front of me. (This was an extreme exaggeration and a ludicrous statement — I was just emphasizing situational awareness in driving.) He went on to say that if he passed me I would probably get in an accident and kill my own child because of my stupidity.

At that point I started to cry uncontrollably. My insecurities from the past welled up inside me, as memories of past relationships flooded my mind. Before I met Brian I was always striving to win people's love and never succeeding. I was a high achiever in school, never rebelled, drank, smoked, or was sexually promiscuous. And yet I grew up feeling inadequate and unworthy. My home life was filled with anger, hatred, verbal and physical abusive, and resentment. Before I met Brian, the man I previously dated left me feeling used, cheap, and dirty. I prayed often in the dark of my closet that God would be merciful and just let me die. The abusive words from the man sitting beside me in the passenger seat brought all those negative memories back to the forefront of my mind — memories that were best left forgotten.

As I sat there in the driver's seat sobbing, hurting from past wounds and present afflictions, the instructor threw the test paper at me and said, "You passed!"

I felt like throwing the paper back at him, but I desperately needed a driver's license. I was a mom and my son depended on me. So I entered the building with that horrid instructor to get my picture taken and receive my temporary permit. I couldn't stop crying though. My concerned husband stared at me wondering what was going on. The lady who was about to take my picture took one look at me, turned to the instructor, and accusingly asked, "What did you do to her?!" She seemed to know the truth without being told, even thought the instructor's response was a complete lie; he said, "Nothing. Those are just tears of joy."

I looked at him with red swollen eyes in total disbelief, but with an all too familiar feeling of being lied to and deceived. I said nothing.

I went home, telling myself that I am blessed because I am child of God. No matter what past hurts I have experienced, I know God loves me. I also made two promises to myself that I was going to forget what the test instructor said, and be the one to teach my children to drive than take the chance of having some demeaning, ill-mannered instructor teach them.

The Bible says forget the bad memories and don't dwell on the past hurts or mistakes.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."

Isaiah 43:18

Go forward with the confidence of God's everlasting love, and live in the blessings that God has for you.

I thank God often that He gave me Brian who tells me all the time how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.

God knows all about your past hurts and insecurities. He will provide you what you need, heal you of your wounds and make you whole. Go forward with anticipation of a better future as a loved and cared for son or daughter of the King.